Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.