I know karate and tons of other words.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣