My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Brother?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.