DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Finished stitching this today 😇
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.