Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.