I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
📽️movie date🎞️
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!