Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.