I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.