Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.