My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff