[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.