Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Those are good neighbors.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.