All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate