My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.