Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook