Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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somebody come look at this
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
What the hell happened here.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )