going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.