Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.