[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
@ candidates for local office
one of
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Worst Native American name ever.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.