At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I want what they have
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
knights of the ikea table
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I got bills
They’re multiplying