Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Taco Bell, Exit 22
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.