[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.