We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
i can’t wait that long