Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
#JohnTravolta
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.