getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.