Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
The future is now.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Love is always patient and kind.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another