Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
At least he brought enough for everyone
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about