*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.