I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.