My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you