Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*