“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
yeah not falling for this one
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest