Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Duolingo getting serious.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.