The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown