I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.