if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it