I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Same pineapple, same
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary