Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?