One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
bears
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
#winning
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
$3 #books
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…