When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name