[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work