Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
eggs benadryl
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.