The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Close call…
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.