Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.