Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die