sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.