Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*