If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
You Might Also Like
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”