Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties