My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭